Total Drama Die to Win
by Slimy-Pennies
Summary: Crackfic/Oneshot/Parody... Chris McLean holds a season in which you have to die to win.


Birds chirping, fish swimming, bears doing whatever bears do... Shitting in the woods, probably. Calm, peaceful, warm, sunny, it was all perfect on Wawanakwa Island.

All except for one thing.

"What up, bitches?" Chris McLean shouted as he folded his arms, grinning at the camera, "Welcome to Total Drama Death... Death... Killing... Die... Murder... D-Despair... Uh... Die to Win... Yeah! Total Drama Die to Win! I'm your host, Chris McLean, and we're here to do some highly illegal shit with some underage weirdos. Here they are!"

A boat pulled up to the dock, like my mother pulled up to the hospital when she was pregnant with me, giving birth and this starting my horrible existence, and Gwen stepped off, visibly pissed. She clenched her fists and teeth, seething.

"What the fuck." She muttered, eye twitching, "What the fuck! Chris! The fuck?!"

"Hey, Gwennie-Poo..." Chris replied, "How you doing?"

Gwen grabbed Chris by the collar, growling.

"Bad, that's how I'm doing! Kidnapping, death games, you actually think this is a good idea?!"

"Well, uh... Yes?"

"...Fuck!"

Gwen seemed simply unamused as Chris pulled out a gun, putting it to her head.

"Shh, shh, shh..." He said, "Quiet down, quiet down..."

"Dude."

"What?"

"Didn't you see me? In the first season? Disarmed a serial killer? Think I care?"

"Shh, shh, shh, this is the only season..."

"Also, that gun is too small. If you can hide it that well, then it's legally too small. You can't have that."

Interrupting the scene, Katie walked by, grinning.

"Like, OMG!" She squeed, "I'm so totally gonna win!"

"Hey, uh..." Gwen said, "Where's Sadie?"

Katie pointed down to a sack of potatoes, dressed in Sadie's crop top and shorts. Gwen cocked her head in confusion.

"Sadie isn't important to anyone." Chris explained, "She's basically Katie but not hot, so why bother?"

"Okay, first off." Gwen sighed, "You don't care about Sadie because she's fat, right?"

"Dude, you're not supposed to say it out loud..."

"There's also differences, okay? Sadie is smart, but is really awkward and lets her separation anxiety and anxiety-anxiety get to her... Katie is just nice, but a bit dim."

"Hey!" Katie shouted, "...Wait... Hey! I'm not dim!"

"You're like Lindsay..."

Zoey walked off the boat, hopping into the dock.

"Hey, guys!" She chirped, "Glad to be back!"

"Oh, hi, Zoey." Gwen replied.

"Zoey? Uh... Zoey?"

Zoey pulled out a brown wig and put it on her head.

"No, no..." Zoey muttered, "I'm Courtney... If you're not first generation or a World Tour newbie, then you won't be on a season, it's the rules."

"Courtney!" Chris chuckled, "Court! Courtalomew! Courtney... Hey girl! Ready to die a horrible death?"

"Only if it's written horribly, like the rest of this fic!"

"With a contrived reasoning too?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Without any warning, Cody stepped onto the dock, smoking a pipe.

"Namaste, didn't see you come in." Cody said, "I am your woefully out of character character for today, as Ezekiel was not available to be his quote-unquote 'fanon' self. Good morn, good morn."

A loud bang rung out as Chris shot his gun, hitting Cody right between the eyes. He fell to the ground, red pooling at his head.

"Stop!" Chris panted, "Oh my god, I can't stand you! Fuck! Fuck!"

"Hey, hey!" Zoey-dressed-as-Courtney yelled, "That was my death! Mine! Dude..."

Chris's phone rang, and he answered it.

"Yes? Yes? Ah, okay!"

Chris put down his phone.

"Ratings shot up as soon as I shot Cody!"

"Maybe that's what death games are all about." Cody muttered, "Death."

 **BANG!**

"Oh my god, oh my god, you're supposed to be dead!" Chris yelled, holding his smoking gun, "...Boy had a point, though."

"Maybe that's what Total Drama Die to Win is all about." Gwen said stiffly, looking at the camera, "Maybe we all only come for death, and we ignore the bad writing, or the lack of sense, or even the inconsistent tone. Maybe, just maybe, we don't care about characterization or plot as long as we get our rocks off to some gore. That's what it's all about."

"Wow, how meta." The Sadie potato sack said.

"Wait, wait!" Katie replied, "You can talk?"

"No."

"Oh, okay."

"Gothie has a point." Chris said, "It's all about the gore and nothing else."

They all laughed happily, forming a group hug.

"But, no, seriously, you're all gonna die here."

"Fuck."


End file.
